Let's get serious...
All through High school until I was skinny. I have always been between a size 2-4. 120 pounds.
Long story short... I am now currently a size 12 and weigh over 160 pounds. That makes me sick to say and i'm embarrassed to say it. But, I feel like I need to say it. Now everyone knows. My secret is out (even though I am sure it's obvious to everyone)!Within 3 years I went from a size 4 to a size 12. I need to make this STOP!
I feel weight has never been a problem for me. But, It is now.
My life is spiraling downwards... I honestly do not fit into any of my clothes. I currently have a couple pairs of pants and shirts. I have also found myself in depression. I grew up with family members who have depression. I hate depression and tell myself everyday I don't have it. But, deep down I know I do. I try to hide it as well as I can... I have also found myself as a depressed eater (which does not help). I get depressed because I eat so much... so I eat. Don't worry... it doesn't make sense to me either. I also have been pulling myself away from my friends and family. I've missed important events in my their lives because I simply do not want to be seen. I miss everyone.
What is funny is in high school I was anorexic. I never ate. EVER. Just a little bit here and there...All within one week I had one of my good friends (who I don't even think knows this) tell me... "Denise, I can see your ribs. You are so freakin skinny!" That grossed me out a bit. I had seen women who were so skinny that they looked nasty. I thought to myself "do I look that skinny?" Two days later in school.... you know when the parents would come to your classes and there was a new topic every month like drinking... drugs.. well that day it happened to be on anorexia and bulimia. I found out that if you are a girl and stop eating, your period will stop and you will not be able to have kids.... For those who know me very well... I LOVE kids! Kids are my life! The one thing I look forward to in life is to have a child! That week I started eating and exercising... With help from my friend Sarah I was back on track...
So now i've been through it all ... i've been disgustingly skinny and now overweight. I want to be healthy and fit! Hopefully be able to fit back into all my old clothes! I've recently started tracking my food... The time I eat and how much. I want to focus on 3 healthy meals a day and less snacking! And of course drink lots and LOTS of water! I'm already on my 5th glass for the day and feeling great! I also have started new workouts that are kicking my butt! I can hardly lift my arms! But, things are looking up and I feel good!
Please know that I am so sorry if I have missed anything important in your life. I've been gone for a while but, I am coming back! I know it's a long process and I have to be patient. But, just know the old me is coming back!
Me now... I look bad but my friends Anisa and Ali look fantastic!
Here is a picture of me when I was coming out of annorexia...
Now lets have me meet somewhere in the middle :)
So I know that it probably doesn't matter what I think, cuz I know how it feels to hate the weight that you are (i really hated my body before i got pregnant) but Im being completely honest when I say I think you are gorgeous and look great. I would have NEVER guessed that you weighed 160 (not that there is anything wrong with being that weight) and you carry your weight REALLY well. I just showed that picture to jake and even he said so. I think being more healthy and not emotionally eating is awesome- good luck! I could definitely be better at doing that. And depression is tough.. keep close to your friends and family cuz they will help you through it. Just know you aren't the only one there! But i hope that while trying to be more healthy you know that you seriously are beautiful and that no matter what weight you always will be!
ReplyDeleteDude, if you ever need a workout buddy, bring it on. I'm totally serious. I like how we 'worked out' like, twice? Haha, but we're both gonna have to kick our butts into shape for Synergy. Soooo.....if you're ever feeling super unmotivated just give me a call!
ReplyDeleteIt was really brave for you to put that all out there. But even more brave for you to be honest with yourself about it all! I am in the same boat currently. Overweight any depressed about it. I was working out almost daily and eating healthy for about two months and feeling great. But then I let myself get off track and now I am just beating myself up. Thanks for the reminder that I need to get back on track! Good luck! You are an awesome woman and can do whatever you put your mind to I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteAnd PS you're BEAUTIFUL no matter how much extra weight you've out on :)
You ladies are all so sweet! Thank you for your kind words! I love you all!
ReplyDeleteI agree... it is brave of you to share. Battles with depression are difficult, and so is a battle with food/weight.
ReplyDeleteI went through something similar. About 7 years ago, I was bulimic and was a chronic over-exerciser. I was about 30 pounds lighter than I am now. I was able to get a handle on it, thanks to God. Now, I'm a little overweight and it's hard to deal with. Personally, I think it's being married and comfortable. : )
Just know that you are a beautiful woman, and you have all the tools you need to get to a place where you can be happy with yourself. Best wishes!