and again...

I'm so sorry that all I have are sad posts... but, it is because that is all I have been feeling. My family and Jordan set me up to see someone...

When the time came for my appointment I was so scared. I just kept telling Jordan "I don't want to cry, I am so sick of crying... I don't want to talk about anything... I don't want to go to this..." It was all true. But, having Jordan's support through all of this has really helped me. He truly knows how hard this has been/ is for me. I hardly sleep -- i'm sure many of you see me on Facebook, pinterest, instagram-- at weird hours, sometimes constantly... it's nice to be distracted - even if I have read the same post 8 times. I promise i'm not a facebook addict, it just keeps me distracted...  I am constantly crying, at least twice a day sometimes more... Everyone says it will get easier but, I find it is becoming harder. I am not myself and I know everyone who knows me can see that.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many happy and positive people... 3 of them are the cute girls I nanny. I do the best I can to keep it together when I am with them.. . Claire (2, still has a hard time understanding where Pocket is but, it is getting better. At first she would tell me "Pocket is at church Niece... it's okay." It would make me smile and tear up all at the same time.. She is so sweet...Abby (4 almost 5) has asked me why I am sad - and she can always tell when I am feeling down. She then will help me with her sisters and with anything I need. Ella (7) knew more about Pocket's heath when he wasn't doing well and she always sat with him and wanted pictures with him... So, when he passed it was hard on her. He was her first friend she knew that had gone to heaven. Her and I would cry together... I had given her a framed picture of her and Pocket hoping it would help...one day I couldn't find Ella anywhere. After I had looked through the entire house, I went back up to her room  and saw her closet light on. I opened the door and she was sitting in her closet crying holding the Picture of Pocket. My heart instantly sunk and I held back my tears and I asked her if she was okay. She shook her head no and I just hugged her. I think helping the girls, helped me. Though I am still hurting, I don't know where I would be with out them...

I just want to take this time to thank everyone who has helped me through this... Thank you to all the parents I work for... thank you for letting me take Pocket to work, dropping your kids off at my house so I could be with him... I work for some amazing people and I could not be more blessed. Thank you to everyone for all of your notes, flowers, and treats...they all mean so much to me... thank you!

Back to my appointment... I was nervous. Finally Jordan helped me get there... I was just holding back tears the entire time- Jordan spoke for me. When I could get words out, I would... but, it came down to being diagnosed with depression. I'm not new to depression... my father, brothers, and relatives have had depression. I have known for a long time that I have had it but, with Pocket being sick is when it all began declining and when Pocket passed away...that is when I crashed.

I have always felt that depression is all in your head... But, now having it and being told I have it.. ( I hope I explain this okay..) It is so hard to get out of this depressed state of mind..  Especially when I replay the worst day of my life in my head over and over and over again. I am so tired and my brain is just not working.. example: I have danced on and off for quite a while and have had no problem.. To attempt to distract my self more... I started dancing again. Dancing is my most favorite thing in the entire world but, I have had the hardest time. Getting the counts down, the steps down, what is next, where I am supposed to be.. it is just not there. Lucky for me the instructors for the class have posted videos on youtube to review- I can not tell you how much I have watched these videos- though I may not look like I have never seen the dance before... So, this also becomes so frustrating to me.. I've noticed trying to distract myself just gets me right back to depression... I have started not wanting to go to dance- that has NEVER happened to me before.. even when I was injured and it was painful to dance. It truly sucks- I am lucky to have wonderful friends in this class with their beautiful smiles and positive attitude to bring me up when I am there. So thank you to all of you too!

I am surrounded by such positivity and the one person I really need to thank is Jordan. I feel that any other guy in Jordan's position would have left me... Depression is a new thing for Jordan but, you wouldn't think it. He always is there, always is doing the right thing, and always takes my bull shit (sorry.. bad word... but, really explains how much he takes from me). He is my Prince Charming.

(Sorry i'm just typing as things come to my mind) Beginning of February... I thought I was ready to donate Pockets things to the animal shelter.. Jordan and I had gathered his things and were ready to go out the door. I picked up one of his beds and just collapsed to the ground and just sobbed. Jordan just hugged me and said "We don't need to go today, we don't need to ever take it away... it's okay" I just don't know how I can have such an emotional attachment to things he even hated like all of his medicine... But, I just can't do it. I keep telling myself that animals need it now but, it fully sucks.. I don't want it sitting in my room collecting dust, I don't want it to loose his sent, nor do I want all of his hairs to be cleaned off of it. So, what do I do with it? I can't even wash the sheets or the clothes I wore that last day.. They are stuffed in a bag.. I laugh and think... I am so dumb, what am I going to do with all of this stuff? Jordan Vacuumed the floor not too long after Pocket passed away and I got so mad at him... he had vacuumed up all of Pockets hairs, the carpet he lasted walked on... I cried after I realized I had cleaned his favorite jacket of mine to lay on...Why is this so hard?

I am sorry for anyone who reads this and is not a dog person, or is a dog person but thinks I am out of my mind crazy ... but, Pocket is my baby and always will be. Pocket was apart of my life from when I was 10 years old to when I was 23...He was always there for me, was always happy to see me, was always there to love me when I was sad, would drive in the car with me anywhere... I was there for him to take him to the vet, to find out why he was sick, to give him all his medications 2-3 times a day, I was there when they said he had months left, I was there when he took his last breath. I miss him everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second. I always wonder if him jumping up onto my shoulder for that last second- if he was telling me that he was not ready-- did I make the right choice? It is an on going battle of -what if-... It sucks. But, I guess that is what happens when you loose a big part of your heart...

I am so glad that I will be re-united with him again and I hope he know why everything happened the way it did, I hope he know how much I miss him and think about him.. Thank you all again for being so wonderful.. my Mom, Dad, Brothers, Jordan, Friends, and Family-- I don't know where I would be with out you...


This is a video of Pocket coming to see me in the Office while I was doing homework :)