Pocket has a heart murmur and Heart Disease. His heart is enlarged and is making it harder and harder for him to breathe.. Though he shows no signs of being in pain.. His body is slowly becoming a challenge for him.
Pocket received an ultrasound yesterday.. they told his Pocket has months left. I broke down. I've known for a long time that this would happen. I thought I had prepped myself to hear how much time he has left but, I don't think anyone could prep themselves on that type of information on someone they love... Pocket has been my life for so long and I'm scared to imagine how life is going to be with out him with me.
I'm trying to enjoy my last months with him but, knowing that these are his last months.. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about what i'm going to do when the time comes to make him comfortable and send him up to be with my Grandma in heaven. I don't want to take him to a vet hospital to be put down.. he hates going to hospitals. I don't want that last place we take him to be in a hospital.. I would prefer it to be at my families home but, will I ever be able to walk into that room or home again? I also can't help to think about what to do with him after.. wether I have him cremated .. if I do he will be with us in our home.. But, what if something happens.. like a fire or something where I could loose him again. Do I have him buried in a pet cemetery? If I do.. he would always be safe right? But, he won't be close to us he'll be far away and not with me.. He has always been with me. I don't know if i could handle him being away. But, I do know that when I die... he will be buried with me.
I don't want to think about this stuff.. but, I can't stop.. Do I need to be prepared? Who do I go to? What do I do? Am I going to be able to give him away to someone after they put him to sleep? It's going to be so hard to leave him.... To walk away from him... To say goodbye to him. I am such a mess now.. I don't even know how I am going to be...
I don't know what is worse.. waiting around for the time to happen or when he will be gone. I feel they are both going to be just as hard. I look at him every day and I don't want to leave his side because I am so afraid something is going to happen while i'm gone.. even if it is for just 15 minutes.
I know some of you may think.. how can you be like this over a dog? But, he is my child. I honestly can't put it any other way. I love him so much.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize. I would check out family animal services. It is the border of mivale and sandy. You can call and set an apt with them. They are awesome. So many different options. We had our little man cremated and his paw prints lasered into glass. We decided to spread his ashes in the mountains and set him free where he is happiest. I am not saying it is easy there are still days I break down and cry and feel tremendous guilt but I know he is free and happy and no longer constrained. You just have to remember it is us that suffer not them. Best of luck. If you need me at all feel free to call or even if you need me to go with you to go with you to let his spirit run free. You can also have vets go to your home.
ReplyDeleteGirl Im so sorry :( I had to put my cat to sleep (my first pet that was my own pet, not a family pet) and it was SO hard. Preparing for it is tough because you want to spend happy time with them, but when you know they are going to go it's hard to do it without crying. I still get sad thinking about lucky but it was the best thing for her.. Don't ever think you are acting like a "child" - that dog IS your family so you shouldn't feel any different! Being able to love something that much and have them bring that much joy to your life is such a blessing. The play the girl above mention sounds like a good option. We just went to our vet who does it at his office. He let me hold her because i refused to let her be with someone she didn't know during that type of situation. It was tough and even though i hated it i was happy afterward that she wasnt alone. Maybe you could have Jordan hold him for it? If I were you I would pray about it and maybe have Jordan or your dad give you a blessing to help you know what options to choose that will bring you and pocket the most peace. You guys are in our prayers - I hope you can find some comfort soon. We should throw pocket a huge doggie party so he knows how many people love him :)
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