Pocket, My little boy... has a lot going on.
Pocket has a heart murmur and Heart Disease. His heart is enlarged and is making it harder and harder for him to breathe.. Though he shows no signs of being in pain.. His body is slowly becoming a challenge for him.
Pocket received an ultrasound yesterday.. they told his Pocket has months left. I broke down. I've known for a long time that this would happen. I thought I had prepped myself to hear how much time he has left but, I don't think anyone could prep themselves on that type of information on someone they love... Pocket has been my life for so long and I'm scared to imagine how life is going to be with out him with me.
I'm trying to enjoy my last months with him but, knowing that these are his last months.. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about what i'm going to do when the time comes to make him comfortable and send him up to be with my Grandma in heaven. I don't want to take him to a vet hospital to be put down.. he hates going to hospitals. I don't want that last place we take him to be in a hospital.. I would prefer it to be at my families home but, will I ever be able to walk into that room or home again? I also can't help to think about what to do with him after.. wether I have him cremated .. if I do he will be with us in our home.. But, what if something happens.. like a fire or something where I could loose him again. Do I have him buried in a pet cemetery? If I do.. he would always be safe right? But, he won't be close to us he'll be far away and not with me.. He has always been with me. I don't know if i could handle him being away. But, I do know that when I die... he will be buried with me.
I don't want to think about this stuff.. but, I can't stop.. Do I need to be prepared? Who do I go to? What do I do? Am I going to be able to give him away to someone after they put him to sleep? It's going to be so hard to leave him.... To walk away from him... To say goodbye to him. I am such a mess now.. I don't even know how I am going to be...
I don't know what is worse.. waiting around for the time to happen or when he will be gone. I feel they are both going to be just as hard. I look at him every day and I don't want to leave his side because I am so afraid something is going to happen while i'm gone.. even if it is for just 15 minutes.
I know some of you may think.. how can you be like this over a dog? But, he is my child. I honestly can't put it any other way. I love him so much.