I don't know how many people even follow this blog... Since I truly only post once a year. But, it's nice to get everything out there and if people want to read it, they can! It is a long story and I give almost every detail... I feel I needed to get this out there and talk about it... so here it goes...
Pocket went to heaven on December 23rd at 11:57am....exactly one week ago...here is the story...
All a sudden Pocket had just stopped moving. He was just constantly laying down and when we would try to pick him up, pet him, or even kiss him on his head... He would yelp. I suddenly go into panic mode and Jordan and I instantly ran him into the ER. Everyone at Advanced Veterinary Care (AVC) knew us by name. When we walked in they could see Pocket wasn't doing well. We soon found out that Pocket had a pinch nerve in his back that cause his right arm to not work. From the x-rays we also found out that Pocket's spine was compressed in some areas and was possibly hurting. The doctor told is the best thing would be to put Pocket on steroids for his back and pinched nerve... The only thing was, being out on steroids could cause his heart to grown more. Pocket already was diagnosed with a heart murmur ( which can cause fluid to go into the lungs), heart disease ( which caused him to have an enlarged heart), and a collapsing trachea (causing his breathing space to be a small straw- but, always had enough oxygen). Even though Pocket had all of these, he NEVER showed signs of being in pain. Pocket was always happy and wanting to play. Even the specialists and Vets told us- he is NOT in pain. Which is conforting to know because we would never want him in pain.
ANYWAYS - putting him on steroids was a risk . So, they put him on the smallest amount possible. Two Days later he was his happy little self- running and playing and loving life. But, we did fear this was the good before the bad...and it was...
A week later pocket's coughing sounded worse... We went in and the vet told us that the steroids help you retain water and he seemed to have a bit more fluid in his lungs. They took him off the steroids and they upped his medication that basically dries him out they also gave us a pill that helped him not cough. Because this pill makes him so drowsy and loopy they said give it to him as needed.
He did really well with his new dosage and pills for about 2 days. Then he started refusing his medication. I would probably do the same if I was taking 8-9 pills once or twice a day. We were always eventually able to get him to take his meds with hiding it in chicken, peanut butter, French fries- whatever got him to take them! Sometimes it would take an hour or more to get him to take them...
At this point I was very emotional because I didn't want him to start hurting. Plus I was maybe getting 2-3 hours of sleep around this time. He was my baby and I had been fearing this day ever since they told us about his heart murmur and when they told us he just had a few months left ( in July).
Three days went by and Jordan came home from work. Pocket and I were sitting in the couch and i had just finished nannying at my parents house and Jordan came over to kiss Pocket on the head and hem yelped. I broke down into tears. Jordan and I agreed that his back was hurting again and so we gave him half a dose of his steroid medication. Instantly he was back up and eating and happy. It was a roller coaster of emotions.... It was 2 days before Christmas Eve and I had not gotten Jordan any Christmas presents.... So I went out seeing that Pocket was doing better and Jordan was home to be with him.
My parents and I were in the same location so my dad took my car home and my mom shopped with me. I planned to be gone for only an hour- but, when my dad took my car home I ended up having to help my mom shop for everyone. We were gone for 3-4 hours. The entire time I was getting ready to have a panic attack from being gone from Pocket so long - super separation anxiety- Pocket has it too! I hate myself for not being home on this night...
Finally we got home and I was so tired! We got Pocket to take a coughing/ drowsy pill so I could sleep more then a few hours. Every time he started coughing I sat right up and pet him until he stopped. This happened way more then the past few nights. In the morning I woke up and woke Pocket up to go potty. As soon as I did you could tell he didn't get any sleep and that he was so tired and worn out from the coughing. The coughing had gotten so bad that he was coughing with his entire body. Once I woke him up all I got from him was inhale, cough, inhale, cough, inhale, cough. I took him outside to see if it would help... It did not. I picked him up, woke Jordan up and we left to the ER.
He was so tired that his coughing had weakened but it had not stopped. I began crying my eyes out. Jordan looked at me with tears and said "Denise, I think he is telling you that it's time." I replied "I know and that is why I can't stop crying...." I began to talk to Pocket and tell him he was going to be better soon and that he was going to see Grandma... Jordan began to cry more. I told Pocket the coughing and pain would be over soon. I tried keeping it together as best as I could.
Today was December 23rd tomorrow as Christmas Eve and then the next day was Christmas- the day I had got him as a Christmas present 13 years ago.... That made everything so much harder. I wanted him to be with us for Christmas.
The specialist walked in and could tell that we had been crying. We had told him how the past week had gone since we last saw him also that we gave him a bit of the steroid medication last night- he said that was the right thing to do. He asked for us to put Pocket down so he could see him walk. Normally when we take Pocket to the ER he stops coughing because he is so nervous and his muscles tense up... This time he did not ever stop coughing.
The doctor told us options. He said since he won't take his pills I would have to start doing injections- he would be getting poked many times a day.. That can possibly give him a few more weeks...but he will either be coughing uncontrollably, or be in pain with his back. No one wants to live their last weeks like that. I knew what was coming so I started crying and shaking uncontrollably... He said to me "Denise, at this point he has no quality of life. No one wants to live like this. It is up to you, what do you want to do." I couldn't talk... I was paralyzed. These were the longest few minutes if my life... I finally said " I think you're right. He is hurting and is tired of feeling like this. I began to cry even more. I have dreaded having to make the choice my entire life. Jordan began to cry and left the room to call my family to come down. The specialist said take as long as you need and let us know when you are all ready....
I have never held Pocket like I held him that day. I didn't want to scare him or make him nervous... So I laid him down on his blanket and pillow. In the room their are small benches, I made his little bed there and laid him down. He was the most calm and quiet he has been all week. I didn't want to cry.. I wanted to stay calm for him and just love him. Jordan came back in and we both kneeled beside him and just prayed. Pocket was so calm that I didn't want to go through with it. I said a prayer to my Grandma and just said " if it is time please, tell me that it is time and that I am doing the right thing." Instantly Pocket did the worst coughing he had done... He had coughed so hard that a snot like fluid was coming out of his nose. He honestly looked miserable and ...that at killed me more then anything.
My family finally got there and it was 2 hours filled with just loving, kissing, holding, crying, and remembering with Pocket. Once again his coughing worsened. I was holding him and crying saying"no". The specialist came in with a technician and said they were just going to put the catheter into his back leg. We laid his on the table on his pillow. He didn't move once. I remember seeing his blood come out of the catheter and then Pocket started to move around and become nervous... Of course his blood got all over his back leg. I ran right over to his face to calm him down and tell him it's okay and he was fine. The specialist apologized for getting his blood on his leg and while he was wrapping it up told us that it doesn't't hurt him. (now everytime I see blood I think of this and can't get it out of my head- I hate it.. of course I have had a bloody nose almost every day this week.) I continued holding him and my heart sunk every time I accidentally touched the catheter in his leg.
About 15 ,minutes later I could hear footsteps outside the door coming down the hallway I started saying "no...no..." And crying. The specialist who had been helping us with Pocket the past year and a half, Dr. seshadri, asked if I was ready... I just cried, hugged, and kissed Pocket. I just kept saying over and over and over again "it's going to be okay!" At that point I don't know if I was reassuring myself or Pocket.... My dad and brother Grayson said they couldn't be in there and they both stepped out. Jordan and my mom stayed with me but stood up so I could be with my baby boy and hold him.
Dr. Seshadri began to put the medicine in... First they put in the medicine that helps him feel no pain... pocket instantly jumped up onto my shoulder and I started crying more and I know at this point I was screaming to get out the words "it's going to be okay!" I then felt his arm go limp. I can't describe how that is the worst feeling in the world... I was screaming and crying, I couldn't breath. I was holding him so tight and jus t crying. I then heard the doctor tell jordan and my mom "he's gone"....
"No!" That is all I kept saying. I have never cried so much in my life. I just kept my eyes closed. I didn't want to open them. - I think it was because I wanted this all to be a dream. My dad came in and sat next to me crying and telling me "I am so sorry". About a half an hour later my crying had stopped and I was just holding him, petting him, kissing him, and loving him. I didn't want to leave him. My family kept saying he is better now... He is with Grandma Dorothy- he is not alone. Grandma is spoiling him and he is running with out coughing, he can breathe, he has all his teeth, and his heart is the size it needs to be. His spirit is in heaven and I just have his outer shell. I still didn't want to leave him.
We were at the hospital for 4- 5 more hours and I just held him and kept telling Jordan and my dad I was not ready. My mom and Grayson had left earlier because Grayson had to go to work and my mom took him home. Jordan and my Dad were so wonderful and helped me prepare for the hardest part... Leaving him. It was almost Christmas and I didn't want him to be alone... My heart was broken thinking that he would be alone. My mom sent Jordan a picture from Pocket's papers- it was a picture of the day my parents bought and picked up Pocket 12-23-1999...Exactly 13 years ago.
Pocket all a sudden was cold all over, no color, and just stiff, it was so strange to me. I looked at him and knew that my bubba was in heaven and at that moment realized what my family had been telling me, it wasn't Pocket anymore- it was only his outer shell and that he would be with us for Christmas in spirit. Pocket has a pillow that my grandma gave him- it is his favorite! We asked the staff if we could leave the pillow with Pocket and then get it back when we could. Everyone knew about Pocket and his pillow and smiled and everyone said of course! I then looked at him one last time, kissed him one last time, and held him one last time. I then took a deep breath and gave Pocket who was laying on his pillow to one of the technicians. I said to him " I love you, be safe, kisses, I'll be seeing you soon..." I always said to him "I love you, be safe, kisses, bye bye" when I would leave him with my parents when I had to go somewhere... But, I didn't want to say goodbye because I knew I would see him again.
It has been the hardest week of my life. I had no idea I could cry this many tears.... I just want to thank everyone for all of your love, prayers, and support with Pocket. I also want to thank Advanced Veterinary Care (AVC) & dr. Seshadri for all their help and care. Thank you to the families I nanny for for guving me the time off I needed to have with Pocket and for always letting me have him at work with me. I also want to thank my family for all of their help and taking care of Pocket and making him a part of our family 13 years ago...but, I mostly want to thank Jordan... I don't know any guy that would change his entire life for his wife's dog. I think if I had marry any other guy, he would have left me so fast. But, Jordan loved Pocket as much as I did. So, he and I stopped going on vacations, stopped going out, always shared the bed with Pocket and let him sleep wherever he wanted (even if it as right next to his face), he would help me pay for all of the vet bills and medications. I could go on with all he did... He changed his life for me and for Pocket and it means more to me then he will ever know...
Pocket is not our pet, he is family. He is my little boy and I can't wait to see him and be with him again. It is comforting to know that he is not alone in heaven... He is with my grandma ( one of his favorite people), with Jordan's brother and sister ( Jordan says he is extremely jealous that Pocket gets to meet them before him), and with anyone that has passed that knew Pocket- everyone that has met him, loves him. I know he is being taken care of and is watching over me too. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. My heart has a big hole in it, my life has a big hole in it. For 13 years of my life, I have been taking care of Pocket and he has always been by my side.
The only way I can explain how life is for me right now is that it is weird.
I have rarely let go of Pocket's blanket, I can't get rid of any of Pocket's things- I even put his water bowl in the freezer because I just can't dump it out. I have a spoon with peanut butter on my night stand that I can't clean off either- I used that for his medicine. I also don't want to wear or wash the clothes I wore with him on his last day on earth. It's all just hard.
My family, friends, and Jordan have really helped me through all this and especially a book that my cousin, her daughter, and my aunt Debbie gave me. It's called 'dog heaven' by: Cynthia Rylant. This is my favorite part of the book....
"Dogs in dog heaven have almost always belonged to somebody on earth and, of
course the dogs remember this. Heaven is full of memories. So sometimes an angel will
walk a dog back to earth for a little visit and quietly, invisibly, the dog will sniff about
his old backyard, will investigate the cat next door, will follow the child to school, will
sit on the front porch and wait for the mail. When he satisfied that all is well, the dog
will return to heaven with the angel. It is where dogs belong, near to God who made
them...."
When i'm not holding Pocket's blanket.. I always set it next to me just the way he liked it- so he can lay down in it.. because I know he visits me often :)
I know we will be together again...
