and again...

I'm so sorry that all I have are sad posts... but, it is because that is all I have been feeling. My family and Jordan set me up to see someone...

When the time came for my appointment I was so scared. I just kept telling Jordan "I don't want to cry, I am so sick of crying... I don't want to talk about anything... I don't want to go to this..." It was all true. But, having Jordan's support through all of this has really helped me. He truly knows how hard this has been/ is for me. I hardly sleep -- i'm sure many of you see me on Facebook, pinterest, instagram-- at weird hours, sometimes constantly... it's nice to be distracted - even if I have read the same post 8 times. I promise i'm not a facebook addict, it just keeps me distracted...  I am constantly crying, at least twice a day sometimes more... Everyone says it will get easier but, I find it is becoming harder. I am not myself and I know everyone who knows me can see that.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many happy and positive people... 3 of them are the cute girls I nanny. I do the best I can to keep it together when I am with them.. . Claire (2, still has a hard time understanding where Pocket is but, it is getting better. At first she would tell me "Pocket is at church Niece... it's okay." It would make me smile and tear up all at the same time.. She is so sweet...Abby (4 almost 5) has asked me why I am sad - and she can always tell when I am feeling down. She then will help me with her sisters and with anything I need. Ella (7) knew more about Pocket's heath when he wasn't doing well and she always sat with him and wanted pictures with him... So, when he passed it was hard on her. He was her first friend she knew that had gone to heaven. Her and I would cry together... I had given her a framed picture of her and Pocket hoping it would help...one day I couldn't find Ella anywhere. After I had looked through the entire house, I went back up to her room  and saw her closet light on. I opened the door and she was sitting in her closet crying holding the Picture of Pocket. My heart instantly sunk and I held back my tears and I asked her if she was okay. She shook her head no and I just hugged her. I think helping the girls, helped me. Though I am still hurting, I don't know where I would be with out them...

I just want to take this time to thank everyone who has helped me through this... Thank you to all the parents I work for... thank you for letting me take Pocket to work, dropping your kids off at my house so I could be with him... I work for some amazing people and I could not be more blessed. Thank you to everyone for all of your notes, flowers, and treats...they all mean so much to me... thank you!

Back to my appointment... I was nervous. Finally Jordan helped me get there... I was just holding back tears the entire time- Jordan spoke for me. When I could get words out, I would... but, it came down to being diagnosed with depression. I'm not new to depression... my father, brothers, and relatives have had depression. I have known for a long time that I have had it but, with Pocket being sick is when it all began declining and when Pocket passed away...that is when I crashed.

I have always felt that depression is all in your head... But, now having it and being told I have it.. ( I hope I explain this okay..) It is so hard to get out of this depressed state of mind..  Especially when I replay the worst day of my life in my head over and over and over again. I am so tired and my brain is just not working.. example: I have danced on and off for quite a while and have had no problem.. To attempt to distract my self more... I started dancing again. Dancing is my most favorite thing in the entire world but, I have had the hardest time. Getting the counts down, the steps down, what is next, where I am supposed to be.. it is just not there. Lucky for me the instructors for the class have posted videos on youtube to review- I can not tell you how much I have watched these videos- though I may not look like I have never seen the dance before... So, this also becomes so frustrating to me.. I've noticed trying to distract myself just gets me right back to depression... I have started not wanting to go to dance- that has NEVER happened to me before.. even when I was injured and it was painful to dance. It truly sucks- I am lucky to have wonderful friends in this class with their beautiful smiles and positive attitude to bring me up when I am there. So thank you to all of you too!

I am surrounded by such positivity and the one person I really need to thank is Jordan. I feel that any other guy in Jordan's position would have left me... Depression is a new thing for Jordan but, you wouldn't think it. He always is there, always is doing the right thing, and always takes my bull shit (sorry.. bad word... but, really explains how much he takes from me). He is my Prince Charming.

(Sorry i'm just typing as things come to my mind) Beginning of February... I thought I was ready to donate Pockets things to the animal shelter.. Jordan and I had gathered his things and were ready to go out the door. I picked up one of his beds and just collapsed to the ground and just sobbed. Jordan just hugged me and said "We don't need to go today, we don't need to ever take it away... it's okay" I just don't know how I can have such an emotional attachment to things he even hated like all of his medicine... But, I just can't do it. I keep telling myself that animals need it now but, it fully sucks.. I don't want it sitting in my room collecting dust, I don't want it to loose his sent, nor do I want all of his hairs to be cleaned off of it. So, what do I do with it? I can't even wash the sheets or the clothes I wore that last day.. They are stuffed in a bag.. I laugh and think... I am so dumb, what am I going to do with all of this stuff? Jordan Vacuumed the floor not too long after Pocket passed away and I got so mad at him... he had vacuumed up all of Pockets hairs, the carpet he lasted walked on... I cried after I realized I had cleaned his favorite jacket of mine to lay on...Why is this so hard?

I am sorry for anyone who reads this and is not a dog person, or is a dog person but thinks I am out of my mind crazy ... but, Pocket is my baby and always will be. Pocket was apart of my life from when I was 10 years old to when I was 23...He was always there for me, was always happy to see me, was always there to love me when I was sad, would drive in the car with me anywhere... I was there for him to take him to the vet, to find out why he was sick, to give him all his medications 2-3 times a day, I was there when they said he had months left, I was there when he took his last breath. I miss him everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second. I always wonder if him jumping up onto my shoulder for that last second- if he was telling me that he was not ready-- did I make the right choice? It is an on going battle of -what if-... It sucks. But, I guess that is what happens when you loose a big part of your heart...

I am so glad that I will be re-united with him again and I hope he know why everything happened the way it did, I hope he know how much I miss him and think about him.. Thank you all again for being so wonderful.. my Mom, Dad, Brothers, Jordan, Friends, and Family-- I don't know where I would be with out you...


This is a video of Pocket coming to see me in the Office while I was doing homework :)

Pocket is home with us and in heaven

Yesterday morning I felt Pocket when I was laying in bed. All through the night Pocket would randomly kick us with his back legs if he wanted us to move.. I felt him do that . I kinda opened my eyes when it happened.. then thought if it was a dream I don't want to wake up! So, I quickly closed my eyes trying to stay asleep. I laid there with my eyes closed remembering the page in the book saying that angel dogs come to visit their owners. Pocket was visiting us, telling us he was okay... Was he prepping me for what I was going to hear later that night?

Later that day, after seeing a movie I received a voicemail saying Pockets Ashes were ready to be picked up.. my heart sunk. I don't know why but I was scared. I also thought it was weird how they said his ashes are ready to be picked up.. it almost upset me how the girl said it in the voicemail. I was standing next to my mom and she asked me what was wrong... I had her listen to the voicemail she instantly started to cry with me. We then went and found jordan and he saw us crying and we had him listen to the voicemail. My dad hugged my mom as she told him and Jordan just hugged me. We were at the movie theater and it was so crowded but at that moment it seemed like it was just us...

We began to drive home and jordan asked what I want to do. I told him I wanted Pocket to celebrate the new year with us. We got to my parents and asked if they would come with us. My mom said she can't and began to cry.. My dad said he will drive us.

As we got closer to AVC- the same place we were a week and a day ago giving our Pocket our last kisses... My heart was freaking out. I kept telling myself to breath and to stay calm. I the said a prayer to Pocket, Grandma, and our heavenly father to please keep me calm and to help me remember it is just his shell and his spirit is in heaven watching over me...

We parked outside and my Dad and Jordan asked if I was ready. I opened the door and jordan grabbed my hand and walked me into the building. I then thought.. what do I say I am here for? I had never ever seen the receptionists that were there... they looked at me confused as well.. So, I said exactly what the girl had said in the voicemail. "I am here to pick up Pocket's ashes." I eyes started instantly tearing up. Jordan grabbed me and hugged me. The receptionist had walked to the back and when she came back she was hold a very nice looking paper bag. On the bag it said family animal services of Utah. I grabbed it from her.. it was so light. I tried to open it to see Pocket.. Jordan told me to wait until we got into the car. Tears just kept rolling down my face.. The receptionists then gave me Pocket's pillow and I lost it. I put the paper bag that held Pocket on the pillow and walked out to the car.

As soon as I sat down I opened the ribbon and opened the bag. I then saw the sweetest, tiniest, and cutest wooden box. I pulled it out of the bag gently and kissed it. Jordan and I began to cry in the back seat while my dad was in the front crying with us. My dad kept saying "I am so sorry Denise"... For some reason I felt more calm. He was with me and no longer needed to be in a hospital away from me. I think we made a good choice getting him cremated because he is in our warm house with us, not in the cold ground where we can only visit him. He is now forever going to be with me.

I held Pocket's box on my lap along with his blanket and pillow. I honestly was petting the box imagining Pocket... and he was so happy to be back in my arms too.

We got home and I could see my mom in the kitchen trying to distract herself. I walked in and sat on the couch.. Jordan got to my mother to tell her Pocket is home and she instantly started crying and Jordan hugged her (Talk about an emotional week) My dad then went to hug her and Jordan came and sat next to me. My mom eventually made it over to sit next to me and we both had tears streaming down our face.  She put her hand on Pocket's wooden box and cried. My dad says I think Denise made the right choice because he is here to celebrate the new year with us....

We celebrated and watched fireworks for the first time in 13 years... We would usually be in a closet with Pocket or in the mountains away from the fireworks. We held Pocket and together we watch the sky light up- New years is so much cooler now that the awesome fireworks are legal!

I have been much more calm with Pocket home- here and in heaven. I miss him and there is not a second that goes by that I don't think of him... But, I know he is happy, healthy, safe and watching over us :)

My best Friend Sarah gave me this angel and said "I hope this will help remind you that you will be re-united with Pocket again." Here is another wonderful poem about loosing your pet... Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind (except we know Pocket is with grandma, and jordan's brother & sister).They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....  -Author Unknown...